Lately my brain has been in overdrive. I have spent the last month getting my body back in shape after the last pregnancy. Exercise and food have been obsessions because in order for me to lose weight they have to be. I have found myself questioning my commitment to this task. Is it godly to want to be healthier/thinner? Or is my body becoming an idol? I definitely spend a lot of time writing down my food choices and my exercise, so I have started using that time to write down my prayers as well. I have never really kept a prayer journal until now, and I can say that is one positive thing that has come out of this diet obsession this month.
My husband (who is slightly overweight) and I had a conversation last weekend. The result was a question: does God care if we are fat? We ended up posing this question to many friends and through the course of the discussions I realized that I was really thinking about the sovereignty of God. After all, if He is in control and has our days numbered. . . does it really make sense for us to toil away in the gym hoping to add days to our lives? I haven't come to any real conclusion on this except that I need to rest in the peace of the knowledge that He is definitely in control. Certainly this also comes down to stewardship. . . taking care of the body He is using for his service. I am just searching for where to draw the line.
I have so many questions about my God. I feel cheated by my church experience thus far. I do not feel that I was properly discipled despite being raised in the church. I am learning so much through scripture, through other readings, through sermons (which I used to take for granted --now they often make me go, "hmmmmmm. . . "), through conversations with my deeply spiritual husband (who is also very private).
For instance in a recent sermon I heard the pastor speak of our salvation and how it cannot be lost. Just before that point, he referenced a verse in Revelation where cowardice is equated with adultery and murder. His point was that we cannot be cowardly in our faith -- that we must be able to share it. But if there is truly no condemnation for us once we are saved. . . then the verse in Revelation cannot apply, can it? After all, the cowardly, adulterers, murderers are thrown into the lake of fire in that verse. If our salvation cannot be lost, then clearly we will not be thrown into the lake of fire.
These are the types of debates I am having with myself. Honestly I have come to a point of questioning the denomination in which I was raised. That is very scary for me to admit because it's all I have ever known. It's also exciting because I know God is stretching me, molding me now for something He has for me to do. I am willing, it just gives me a headache sometimes.
