Struggling a bit. . .

I am struggling a bit. Food is much harder for me when working out isn't going well.

I did swim this morning and pushed myself hard (as hard as I could sharing a lane with a man who wasn't too into sharing a lane - thankful I didn't knock him out with my crazy butterfly or knock myself out with my drifting backstroke!) I plan on going to body pump tomorrow morning and just doing squats/lunges with no weights and see how the knee feels. If it twinges even a hint, I will just quit that track and do crunches until the next one. Bottom line is that my legs are super strong anyway (although I'd like to tone them up) but I need body pump for my chest, shoulder, back, arms. . . CORE. I am happy to have this plan going for this week - swim M/W/F, body pump T/Th plus another cardio on T/Th (probably elliptical).

I have dinner in the crockpot this afternoon since I have to tutor so score 1 for better eating. I made chili mac with lean ground beef and whole wheat elbows. It smells great.

I have another whole post to write about flower's 6th birthday, a visit we made last week to our old stomping grounds, and my search for my life's work. . . maybe that is actually 3 posts. . . but i have tutoring and laundry and math questions to write. . .

Knee

My knee is bothering me. I cannot define it any more specifically than that. My dr. says tendons and ligaments feel fine - so it's just inflammation in the cushioning surrounding the knee.

It hurts when I drive (it's my right knee).

I had visions of starting C25K but I obviously can't. My dr. says to do low-impact (for me, that is swimming) stuff for a while until it doesn't bother me anymore. I ice it when it does bother me (breaststroke kick actually bothers it a little).

I am trying REALLY hard not to let this derail me. I really am. I am just so competitive and to be sidelined when I had such a good momentum going is hard to deal with. I am not good when faced with challenges like this. I have a give-up reflex.

Add to this life-related stress like trying to decide whether to go to work full-time or stay on my self-employed path (which means I'll have to actually LAUNCH my business instead of just talking about it - eek) and I am just in a rut.

A numbers game

Losing weight and getting in shape is very much a numbers game. Being a math person, I am okay with this. At times I know that I over-obsess. But it makes me happy to see progress in the numbers. If I had good software that I knew how to use (see - I probably do have some software that might do it, but clearly I wouldn't know how to use it since I don't even know it's there) I would make graphs for you. But instead I just type them out.

In July 2009, I felt the best I had felt since before having kids. I was in great shape. I could see the 170's on the horizon. Then life happened.

At my peak in July 2009, these were my numbers:
36 push-ups (11 real, 25 on my knees)
Weight: 189
Arms: 13.25”
Thighs: 25”
Calves: 16”
Waist: 35”
Hip: 44”

These were my numbers yesterday:
22 push-ups (10 real, 12 on my knees)
Weight: 196
Arms: 14”
Thighs: 25”
Calves: 16”
Waist: 36”
Hips: 45”
Belly: 44”

So I am only 2.75" and 7 pounds away from where I was then. For 2 years I have said, "Oh, if I could only feel the way I felt in July 2009." I can say that even though the numbers aren't quite there, I already feel that way. I might even feel better now than I did then, because I went through the 2 year hiatus and as a result I am more resolved to make changes that can be sustained.

It is so cliche', but IT IS A LIFESTYLE CHANGE. So true.

Wednesday Weigh-In

Last week's weight: 196
Today's weight: 196

NO CHANGE.

Okay, I would say that I have hit a wall here, BUT it is still my time of the month when things don't move as much scale-wise. In fact, I think tomorrow will be the day I see a dramatic loss. Not much has changed, although I do think I have been a tad bit lazier with my food diary. This week I am on my own with the kids, and it's been much harder to manage my food along with everything else.

The biggest thing is that I really don't care that much about what the scale says right now. I am loving strength training again, seeing more definition and I definitely see inches going away. All in good time the numbers will move.

I plan on getting a good grocery store visit in tomorrow morning while my youngest is with her nannie - I'll get my meals planned out for a few days and feel better about everything.

Slowing Down

Over the past 3-4 months, I have been privileged to form a relationship with a Christian counselor. After my surrender in May to my depression, I knew that medication wasn't the only thing I needed. I sought a counselor with a Christian worldview so that scripture and prayer could be a part of my journey.

She has been a huge blessing in my life. Yesterday marked my final "regular" session. I have scheduled a session one month from now to check in (because I am aware that I don't want to be complacent about my recovery), but we were both rejoicing yesterday in just how far I have come.

One of the most poignant things that she said to me was a commentary on this popular passage in Jeremiah, Chapter 29:

10 This is what the LORD says: “When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place. 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.”

She discussed how depression represents my captivity, and that, while the Lord has brought me out of captivity - He reserves a spot in the future where he will bring me back to that place again - not necessarily back to be depressed again, but back such that I can see where I was and it won't hurt anymore.

God is with us in the pit. He uses all for the good of those who love Him. And He doesn't want me to forget that place He brought me out of. Yesterday was about revisiting that place, and discovering that it truly doesn't hurt anymore. I am stronger than yesterday (thanks, britney spears for the motto) and I'll be stronger still tomorrow. Through His mercy, by His grace. For His glory.

Weekly Weigh-In 9/7/11

Last week's weight: 196.5
Today's weight: 196

Loss of 1/2 a pound!

I will take it. I will chalk it up to hormones, a few eating blips over the weekend, and not doing my protein-rich breakfasts every day.

Things are going so well in the health and fitness realm of my life. I am thankful because things are still so uncertain and stressful in almost every other area of my life. My mom heard me registering for body pump this morning and she said in the background "she's obsessed, she's obsessed." It might seem that way from the outside looking in, but exercise truly gives me joy right now and I am not apologizing for making it a top priority.

I am even looking into teaching a few classes that I am sad my Y doesn't offer. One characteristic of myself that I can't seem to shake is that I habitually come in to new situations, see things that need fixing, and step up to the plate to fix them. It often means I take way too much on my plate, burn out, and then resent said responsibilities. With this, though, I am thinking that I need to get a little income coming in so this will fill a few different roles in my life.

This blog is BORING. So sorry - I just don't have time to do the blogging I want to do in my head. The day just flies by now that my older two are in school.

Weekly Weigh-In August 31

So it's been 2 weeks since my last weekly weigh-in post. Last week it was the first day of school and I didn't have time to weigh that morning. Hating to try to estimate by weighing later in the day, I just decided to stay off the scale until this week. I was pleasantly surprised at this week's number.

Weight on August 17, 2011: 201.5
Today's Weight: 196.5

Lost of 5 pounds in two weeks.

Pretty good. I had been stalled so close to 200 for a while, so I am not surprised to see this much weight drop. I definitely have a pattern with weight loss in regards to my hormonal cycle. I often stall during the two weeks before and during my period, then I drop several pounds almost immediately after.

I have been doing body pump class for the past two weeks. I was afraid that getting back into regular strength training would slow down the loss, but apparently not! I go to body pump class at 5:30 am on Tuesday/Thursday mornings. I must really LOVE that class if I am willing to get up that early consistently. I DO really love that class. I always feel GREAT afterwards, and I truly enjoy pushing myself. I look forward to seeing the definition start showing.

I have to say, too, that Turbo Fire is a GREAT program. The workouts kick butt. What I LOVE about them is that they are great for conditioning -- I can totally see improvement weekly in my endurance -- but my abs are starting to whittle and I haven't done many crunches (until starting body pump I didn't do any crunches). I know it's the moves in the TF kickboxing combos. I love the idea of getting abs without crunches, so I 'll take it! I don't expect to have a 6-pack ever, but having that definition start to show at this weight is really encouraging!

All in all, I would say I have settled into a healthy routine. I make more healthy food choices than not - I have another post in mind about what I have learned about eating so far. I don't even consider going a day without some kind of exercise - even on rest days I do a bike ride with the kids or an easy walk. I drink water pretty much exclusively - occasionally a little tea or coffee.

It feels good to be in this place again. I feel unstoppable.

Old Woman

When my younger sister and I used to share a bedroom as kids, sometimes we would play a game called "old woman." She would be coming out of our bathroom, and her "side" of the bedroom was opposite from the bathroom door. She had to cross through my territory to get there. She would pretend to be an "old woman" and I would help her cross the "street" over to her side.

Weird. I know. My husband has shared with me some of the "games" he played with his sister and thankfully they are equally as odd. Guess it's one of those you-had-to-be-there things.

Today, my sister - the one that I used to boss around and force to play illogical games like this - gave me a great gift. She invited me to join her in the delivery room for the birth of her second child - a daughter. I have never been in a birthing room besides mine when I had my own children. I think she has an inkling of how much today meant to me, just because she knows me like that. I think she knows me so well that she invited me in just because she knew how much it would mean.

I am so thankful for the closeness forged between us in childhood that has now grown into an unbelievable friendship. The blessing of living near each other while raising our children goes beyond what I had ever imagined. She's always had a mind of her own - I've always irritated her in my own special ways - but somehow the bonds of motherhood and marriage and all those years whispering after dark have helped overcome our differences.

Over two years ago I surprised us both when I delivered my daughter naturally with no drugs. Ever since her delivery with her first child, she has talked about doing the next one naturally. Today she did - and her daughter weighed 11 pounds 7 ounces!

Today ranks as one of the best in my life. I am so thankful for the gift of sisterhood+motherhood wrapped up in one person.

Scale Obsession

I have an unhealthy obsession and love-hate relationship with my scale. I want to put it away and diligently do once weekly weigh-ins, but for some reason I can't. When the going gets tough food-wise, I like to step on the scale to be reminded of why I need to make good choices. I have a goal and the scale helps me to keep that in focus.

That being said, the daily weigh-ins kill me because simple things can affect the number. Sodium, water intake, the time of day I workout, whether I stand with all my weight on my heels, etc. Rationalizing a number that is higher than yesterday is tiring and I don't need anything in my life that makes me tired.

I don't know what keeps me from just putting the darned thing in the closet until Wednesday weigh-in time. I think I'll go ahead and do that today. I'll keep you posted. . .

Physical Pain Can Be Fixed

My husband is down in the dumps. Without taking 100289 words to explain the situation, he is 35 and unemployed and all his career attempts lately have failed. The latest endeavor was the biggest disappointment of all, and while it's not in the trash can YET. . . all that is left is for him to heave it over the rim.

I just asked him if I could pluck out the hairs under his arms or on his chest (because he has a lot of them) as a way to channel his negative energy into something useful. After all, physical pain can always be fixed. I have tried all evening to cheer him up to no avail, so I figure this tactic is next-best.

After the crappiness of this day (sorry for that classless word) my daughter and I set out on a bike ride. Her legs are short. We made it about 2 miles, and she was huffing and puffing ready to turn back. It was funny, though, she is so much like me. She put her head down, bit down on her lip and pedaled like crazy the whole time.

When we got back, my son who is the bike-riding champion of the world asked me to take him for a ride. I was feeling good, so off we went. He is more like his dad - riding slower, looking at everything around him, reading street signs, stopping to itch his leg. Since I was relying on momentum for some of the bigger hills, I had to push that boy to speed up. After all, nothing worse than realizing your legs are no longer rotating and then. . . ugh, gotta get this thing started again!

All in all, I rode 16 miles, burned 1000 calories and enjoyed a cup of ice cream when I got home. That, my friends, is 2 hours of awesome stress relief. Now to figure out how to cheer up and encourage the hubby. Going to get the tweezers. . .

Weekly Weigh-In

Wednesdays will be the day for weighing in and keeping up with the progress.

So - at the beginning of this journey I weighed 225. That was in April. I started consistently working out and tracking my food somewhere mid to late June.

Last week's weight: 203.5
**I was on vacation and this is the latest weight I recorded before leaving. I have also seen this number when peeking after returning**
Today's weight: 201.5

Loss of 2 pounds.

This was over more like 2 weeks, so I guess it's an okay number. I am just happy the scale moved in the down direction.

This week's goals:
1) Try some new recipes for dinner.
2) Get the early morning workout routine going again.
3) Avoid the scale until next Wednesday - EEK. (need to write another post about my scale issues)
4) Swim 3 times for at least 6000 yds total
5) 2 long bike rides with kids
6) Continue TurboFire plan

Identity Crisis

I have SO.MANY.POSTS in my mind. I want to record my thinking on a lot of things for my own remembrance. This is why I struggle with blogging. On one hand, I know my blog will be more interesting for people to read if I stick with one theme/topic. On the other hand, it is my little space on the web. I really don't like airing all my thoughts on things on Facebook. It's like my brain has been on overdrive lately.

Weight loss is going well. I am going to start doing a weekly weigh-in post soon to track my progress. I am so close to sub-200 and that feels really, really good. I can tell I am getting in shape. I am looking forward to continuing the journey to fitness.

I did do the 7-day yoga challenge I mentioned a couple of posts back. As a recap, I pretty much used Yoga Download, Jillian's Yoga Meltdown, a couple of Exercise TV videos, and one morning I just flowed through my favorite poses. It was a great experience, and I am trying to keep it up, though vacation has my sleep patterns messed up. I am up way to late and it's hard to get up early.

Next week school starts, so it will be easing into a new routine. I can't wait to have some one-on-one time with the birdie. She loves her momma - I want to bake with her and do fingernails (she says "finkernails") and play barbies and all the stuff she always wants to do but we never have time. The flower and the boy pictured with me above are going to be in kindergarten and 3rd grade. Wow. Time flies people. It really does.

That's all for now. Maybe some day I will get into a regular posting rhythm here. Mostly, I enjoy having a place to put my thoughts.

Back from Vacation

I am back from "vacation" (time spent at our family house i.e. the most relaxing place in my world).

I still have to do a summary post of my 7 days of yoga - which I thoroughly enjoyed. Also have a few more posts in my head.

Today I have to work writing questions (my day job) so I may not get a post in until Monday.

Lots to update. Things are going well. . .

7 Days of Yoga - Day 1

I am participating in Krissie's 7 Days of Yoga challenge/group. This morning, I woke up and decided to try a website I have heard a lot about:

Yoga Download is great because there are a lot of free workouts that you can download or watch/listen to and even the workouts that aren't free are still very inexpensive. This website would be a great way to ease into yoga OR add to your at-home workout regimen. I am not new to yoga, but I have not incorporated it regularly into my routine before, and I have mostly done more power yoga type workouts.

I arose at 5:30 am knowing that we have a busy day ahead. I have to take Flower for her kindergarten dr. visit (sniff, sniff) and we also have lots of house stuff to get to work on this week. I knew that a little morning yoga would relax me enough to be able to get my prayer time in and do a few chores before the little ones awoke.

I chose to do a beginner's yoga workout that was 20 minutes long. You can see in the window here that you have a lot of options even for beginning yoga. The 20-min version was free and fit in my time frame, so I went with that one.

This was an audio workout, and it included a pose guide pdf. I found it easy to follow, and the instructor's voice was very soothing. It was exactly what I needed to start my day.

For my 7 days I am focusing on using yoga as a source of meditation/relaxation since I already have my cardio and strength routines nailed down. After my yoga I enjoyed my breakfast, some much needed prayer and scripture, and got a few chores done before everyone got up.

Runnin'

I just don't think I'll ever consider myself a "runner." It seems like running is the "IN" thing right now. So many people are doing Couch to 5K, lots of people consider a 5K race to be a goal of their fitness plan, people like to post their runs on FB, etc.

In 2009 I had gotten up to running 2-3 miles at a time without stopping. I realized then that running is as much a mind-game as anything and that once you get past about 10 minutes in it feels like you could run forever. I ended up getting a nasty case of plantar fascitis and realized that my feet turn in and it makes it hard for me to find suitable running shoes, etc.

Now that I am getting back in shape, I have been using TurboFire for my cardio pretty much exclusively (besides my swimming workouts). Tonight I decided to try out a run and see how I was feeling. TF has a lot of plyometrics and lateral movement, so I figured my joints might be good to go for a jog.

This is what I did:
Walked 1/3 of a mile
Jogged 5/3 miles/walked on the uphill sections to maintain heartrate in upper aerobic zone
Walked 1/3 of a mile cooldown

30 minutes and I burned 374 calories. I felt pretty good on the jogging portions - I can see a definite improvement over the last time I jogged about 3 weeks ago before TF. My legs/joints felt fine. I probably won't be running uphill anytime soon, though. That would definite push the HR too high at this point.

The only benefit I see to running over swimming (where I burn more calories) is that I can listen to my iPod. I do like the music aspect. However, I am eyeing a waterproof iPod shuffle. . . it's just so expensive!

I can tell I am getting in shape and that proves the worthiness of TurboFire. Highly recommend it because it's FUN, convenient, and it works. Still don't think I'll ever crave running, but at least I know I can do it if I need to.

7 days of Yoga

I am joining in a 7-day yoga challenge along with Krissie@Questions for Dessert. I have enjoyed reading Krissie's blog for over 2 years now. She has such a strong motivation, and her running journey blows my mind.

Thanks to Krissie for getting me to try some new things with yoga. So far I have been doing some yoga when I wake up in the mornings. I love the way it relaxes me and gets me ready for the day. I just do a couple of my favorite poses, focus on the breathing and the quiet in my usually loud house.

Next week I may try a yoga class at my Y just to expand my horizons a bit. I have Jillian Michael's yoga meltdown DVD, and I like it, but it's not relaxing. I am using yoga right now for the relaxation/meditation effect it has, so I think I won't use that DVD for this challenge.

Looking forward to getting started Monday! And updating my thoughts here. . .

Packing on the pounds

I gained 45 pounds in a matter of about a year, I guess. The gaining began in late 2009 and continued through early 2011. Before gaining, I was at about 180 lbs (I am 5'6") and I was in pretty good shape. I had some muscle definition in my quads, calves, even my arms. I had a nicely defined waist and even a little bit of definition in my abs.

My joints were good and used to anything I gave them - lateral movement, jogging, push-ups, etc. Oh, and I could do 33 (!) push-ups - 11 "real" and 22 more on my knees - without stopping. Pretty amazing for me.

When I gained the weight I did NOTHING for that entire time. Being at my highest weight ever, I was surprised at how much different my body was than before I had gotten in good shape. For example, this is a photo of me at about 205 pounds (my current weight) BEFORE the 2009 shape-up:

I don't have similar photo of myself now, but I do not look this big now. I know it's because some of my muscles have hung around and are smaller than, but weigh more, than similarly sized fat. I know they have hung around because I am stronger still now than I was before 2009, even after all this inactivity. The muscle tone is returning quicker than it took to build it in 2009, too.

The body is resilient. What this teaches me is that even after a few "bad" days, or even weeks, one can jump back into pursuing a healthy, fit body without it completely derailing the effort. I know that in the past I have often had a "I-had-a-bad-meal-might-as-well-give-up-completely" attitude (frustrated perfectionist?) but I am learning that this is a marathon, not a sprint. Not to be cliche', but this is truly a lifestyle change and I need to be diligent not to enforce upon myself any rules or routines that I cannot live with forever.

Most importantly, I have to treat myself with the same kind of love and forgiveness that I am commanded to treat others with.

Turbo Fire

I started Turbo Fire last Thursday, so today was my 7th day doing the suggested "class schedule."

Turbo Fire is an intense, kickboxing-based cardio program that incorporates some good stretching and core work as well. I believe towards the end of the 12-week program there will be some light toning work using exercise bands. So far I have been able to keep up with the workouts, although I have been using some of the modified moves since I am just getting back into shape. I can do a couple of squat jumps and then I modify, I can do a couple of burpies and then I modify, etc.

I really try to push myself but not TOO hard. It definitely burns the calories and gets the heartrate up. I like that I can do it at home before anyone wakes up and be done with my workout.

I am considering adding strength training, possibly following this program. I am concerned about the recovery necessary, though, and I might wait until my 12-weeks are finished with Chalene (she is pretty awesome and inspiring, by the way, and it really does feel like you are in the gym with her).

I am also continuing my swimming, trying to aim for at least 3-5 miles a week in addition to everything else. Swimming is more therapy for me than exercise, but it still counts.

So many questions are bouncing around in my head after reading The New Rules of Lifting for Women: Lift Like a Man, Look Like a Goddess last night as far as calories necessary to feed the metabolism and allow for proper muscle recovery, etc.

So far I am tracking on My Fitness Pal (MFP) and I LOVE that. It will calculate your calorie need based on all your stats. It has an extensive food database that is easy to use. I like that, though I spend a fair amount of time logging everything in, I don't have to obsess about what I am eating. I always know where I am in my calorie-intake and where I need to be. The website is also a great place to find info, in fact, it's where I found the recommendation to do Turbo Fire.

So that's what I'm doing right now. . . it is working as I've lost about 20 pounds since mid-April. I've only been actively working out since mid-June, though, so most of that weight has come off in about 6 weeks. It feels good.

**the links are Amazon affiliate links, which means I might earn a penny if you click them or order anything. just letting you know**

Official "before" photo - this time around

here is a photo taken in early May '11 that will count as my official "before" photo for this weight loss/fitness journey.

this is probably my heaviest weight ever, although i am not certain what i weighed in this photo. i know in mid-april that i was at my heaviest ever and i don't think i was too far below it here.

i don't feel shame when i see this photo. i just see myself at a lower point in my life where i wasn't putting my health and fitness near the top of my priorities. i know that i tend to gain weight if i don't watch myself, and i am hopeful that this time i can keep health and fitness a priority for life.

Where have I been?

I feel like my body is asking me where I have been the past two years - like there has been a disconnect between my soul and my body. I have been so neglectful of my body over this time period, and now that I am taking care of it again - I feel like all my muscles are thanking me.

This was me a little more than 2 years ago:

I began working out with friends at a local women's fitness center. My friend and neighbor was the gym owner, and she sat down with me and we mapped out a plan to get me in shape. From March 2009-July 2009 I lost about 23 pounds and gained muscle tone and definitions through body conditioning classes, cardio/core classes, doing high-intensity interval training, etc. I was very dedicated and logged my food in a notebook.

August 2009 life took a turn and it kept on turning for the next 18+ months. I proceeded to gain 45 pounds and be pretty much sedentary for much of that time. I guess I felt so low that I didn't want to take care of myself. During that time, I suffered from depression and it showed on my body. I wouldn't say that I am a compulsive eater, per se, but I didn't really think too much about what I was eating. Add to that being a working mom and we did rely heavily on take-out, fast food, and quick meals that aren't so great nutritionally.

I always knew that I knew how to lose weight and get in shape during this time. I would even say to to people or to myself. . . I just didn't have the will to make it happen.

Once I got my mental issues under control, I began to whole-heartedly seek the fitness level I had in 2009. I love the way it feels to be sore. I have more energy to go about my day knowing that I have done my workout - plus the endorphins help too with mood and energy. All in all, I love challenging myself to work harder and do more than I thought I could.

This is me last summer, 2010 on a trip to Grandfather Mountain. I don't think I was at my heaviest here, but I don't have any other photos of me from the past year that show my full body (no surprises there).

I posted a photo of me yesterday that shows me now. . . I have actively been pursuing weight loss since mid-May I guess. I have lost almost 20 pounds so far and I feel like I am so much further along than that. My mindset is one of caring for my body, fueling my body with food, and working out.

I will write more later about what happens to a fit body when you pack pounds on it and then start losing them again. It's interesting how resilient our bodies really are. . .

Blog Direction

I am a serious blog addict. I don't know if it is the voyeur in me, or if I like the feeling that I am not alone with some of my struggles, or if I enjoy everything I learn from others. . . but I read blogs pretty regularly using google reader.

i have never found a rhythm with posting here, and I think it's because I have never committed to any particular content theme. I am a well-rounded person. I am obsessed with education (that's my vocation and I also have school-age children), I love to read, I am a mom of 3 kids, I am a Christian sometimes struggling with my theology. . .

Right now I am particularly obsessed with fitness and weight loss. So for the time-being I am going to focus on that content so I can stop irritating everyone in my life about it. My husband, bless his soul, doesn't care about calorie burn or protein. He just loves me! When I create goals for myself I tend to GO FOR IT all out and I can be annoying to be around, I think.

So I have decided to post all my thoughts about my fitness journey on here. I don't know that anyone will read my blog, but at least I have an outlet and a diary of sorts.

I will start later with a post about where I've been on this for the past couple of years and then where I am now. . . for now, a photo I just took with my computer (ack!) after my workout (burned 1033 calories doing Turbo Fire Fire 55EZ - it wasn't EZ obviously ;) SWEAT. love.to.sweat.

The sky trades the moon for the sun. . .

For a little less than 2 years I have been suffering from clinical depression.

I would say it was mild to moderate until Fall 2010 - then it went to what I would call moderate to severe. I was dealing with suicidal thoughts pretty much daily.

I quit my job in January because I felt that I could not handle the job, the children, the home, etc. In February we all came home - I began homeschooling my son at that time (another post on that decision later) and we were home all day, every day together.

In March we bought a house across the county and decided to start moving our things from our rental slowly to avoid the stress of one.big.move.

February to May were my darkest, darkest days. I am writing this on this blog because I feel that it's a safe place to document this time in my life since barely anyone reads this thing, and because I want to remember these moments. I want my kids to know that there was a reason why these past few months were so. . . off.

In May, I finally owned up to my sadness, and to the fact that I could not wrestle this bull down on my own. I needed help. I was in counseling for a few months in early 2010, so I knew that would be one thing I would look for - preferably a Christian counselor this time. I also knew I was ready to go on medication again that was more designed for depression (I was on anxiety medication, but didn't feel anxious much anymore).

I found a smart, caring doctor who listened and talked with me for about 45 minutes during my appointment. She was great! She put me on a new depression medication, encouraged me to follow my plan to get counseled, and asked me to come back in a month so we could talk about the other issue I am trying to get hold of (my health).

The medication helped immensely. I also took up crocheting (weird), counseling is going well, and just generally slowing down and allowing myself space to breathe without guilt or a to-do list has helped.

I am telling you, though, that swimming is my best weapon against depression. Granted, I am not sure I'd have the get-up-and-go to get to the pool without the meds at this point, however once I am there and swimming my head clears and I feel so alive.

Depression makes you feel like a corpse at times. . . like you are truly dead weight on the world. Swimming makes you feel the opposite - all the muscles working together to propel the body forward. . . the rhythmic breathing. . . the quiet thoughts.

For I guess about six weeks I have been swimming fairly regularly. This week I have kicked it up a notch and swam three sessions at around 45 minutes each (approx. 1 mile each time - I swim slow). I swim freestyle and have been practicing the total immersion method - very efficient and I swear it makes me feel like I could swim forever.

I guess this is how some people feel about running. I never have. I sweat an unusual amount and running is about dripping sweat that causes burning eyes and ear pods that slide out of my ears constantly. Ew. I do enjoy getting out and walk/running intervals, but I don't see myself ever being a serious runner.

A swimmer, however, I am. I am thankful for the roots I have in the sport that grew when I swam swim team at our local pool. There are times when I am skeptical I have even worked out after a long swim. I feel so relaxed and refreshed. I am always pleased, though, by my heart rate monitor's calories burned display.

It feels so good to have myself slowly emerging from this cloud. I enjoy things again. I am living purposefully and intentionally again, and that is such a joy. Still one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, but I am worlds away from where I was a few months ago. Praise be to God!

Hunger Games Trilogy

I read this trilogy a couple of months ago in a Kindle marathon that goes unrivaled. I think I was done in 2.5 days and I did NOTHING but read. I was a complete, useless waste of space because I literally couldn't stop reading.

I enjoyed The Twilight Saga Complete Collection but this series beats that one by a landslide.

Bella and Edward and Jacob and the romance was all very surface and somewhat boring once you got past the vampire and werewolf weirdness. In fact, by the time Bella was birthing a vampire baby it was quite comical to consider the pairing of a human and a vampire - especially with the image of the baby eating its way out of her tummy.

THG is so much more complex. The characters are real. Katniss is just a normal person thrust into an extraordinary situation. The best part is that the author does not cast extraordinary attributes on her at that point, as is so often the case. Katniss stays normal throughout the saga, at times leaving you wondering if she will ever become the status-quo heroine. It is done so frequently that avid readers have come to expect it. Here, though, her normalcy remains throughout and it is refreshing!

Obviously, the books have themes that are so very interesting to consider. America has been destroyed, and a new way of living has emerged on our soil. It is very entertaining to consider the human race outside of our current culture.

I just cannot wait for the movies, and I unabashedly say that I loved these books -- even though they are "young adult." ;)

Our New Home

I won't use a lot of words here. I will just say that my hope is that our new home will have time to become our true home.

We have moved 8 times in 12 years. I am tired of moving. I am tired mostly of moving the same boxes over and over again. Some of the stuff I have just parted with (determined to truly declutter this time) I swear we have moved all 8 times and never once used. Things like a cassette tape collection that I just tossed in the trash, a cabbage-fabric jean jacket that I donated (I took a photo - I loved my cabbage jacket way back in the day), and every.single.card.note my husband received while on deployment that I catalogued and pared down.

I want to post as we update and personalize our new home as a journal of sorts for our family. I have big ideas for the mid-70's tri-level in the town we grew up in.

Here it is - in all its French's mustardy glory (one thing on my list is exterior paint).

A New Day

It feels really good to know that we are starting something new tomorrow. Today is my last day as a "working" mom although I will still be working from home. I am so excited about this new chapter -- staying home, homeschooling, COOKING, finding time to take care of myself and everyone else.

Tomorrow my husband and I will also begina 28-day detox program. I need to get rid of addictions to sugar and caffeine, and we both need to lose a few. I will be reading a few books along the way to replace my cravings and hopefully get me through the hard part (the first week is supposedly really tough). I have been wanting to do this for a while and I cannot wait to report how I feel.

The kids are excited too - Flower says she will have the best teacher ever. The Boy has mixed feelings but ultimately understands why this is better. Birdie is just herself - and I cannot wait for more snuggle time before she's too old to care.

God is a God of blessings and unlimited love. I want to recycle that and give that love and blessing to others. This is my first step. . .