I wonder if I will always have this feeling of wishing we could turn back the clock. I find myself wishing for the time BEFORE J quit his job – when things were tight financially but not in crisis mode as they are now.
I wish often for the time BEFORE our flower’s kidney disease diagnosis this past November. The time was so easy when we thought those doctors had been wrong when I was pregnant.
I wish for the time when I was a stay-at-home mom, when I cooked delicious homemade meals, took care of my son’s homework, when my biggest complaint was being frazzled at the end of the day.
I even dare to wish that I could go back to 2004 and shake myself when I convinced J that we needed to buy the house. I would tell myself what it means to have that much money in a savings account, and I would convince myself to be wiser.
Today during a talent show at school, a couple of teachers sang “The Way We Were.” I could barely make it to the end of the song before breaking down completely – I had to leave the show. I long in my soul for who we were, even just last summer before that fateful day in August when J. left his job.
I know things could be so much worse and we have plenty to be thankful for. I just don’t know who I am in this new set of circumstances. I started writing the “Drawing Near” series because I thought I be able to put my focus into a more intimate walk with the Lord during this valley. It seems that so far, I haven’t been able to do that. I am not sure what is keeping me from drawing near to Him – pride? feeling as if I deserve this? -- but I haven’t found a way to put Him in the forefront of my heart and mind.
So many things are distracting me: jobs, children, medical issues, the move, decisions about the immediate and distant future, wishing for a small vacation this summer. . . I sincerely need to get my focus back on the state of my heart. Pray for me if you read this blog.
