frustration

i have a new full-time job that i love but that equals 50+ hours of work per week plus requires me to take a night class one night a week. i still have three children, and a husband with a new business that he is trying to grow. i still have a new-to-us house with a ton of renovation and freshening up that needs to be done.

where, oh where, do i fit in continuing on my healthiness journey in all of this chaos that is my life? i feel like i am on auto-pilot most of the time, and i am really fighting against my own body's rejection of the stress of the new job. i react physically to stress. that is a fact that i can now verify based on a mini-breakdown i had this past week. stress manifests in me physically and mentally.

i am so sick to death of fighting my weight. i am holding fairly steady with the losses i had last year. . . hovering around a number that i hate. i want to be 20-30 pounds lighter, but that requires such a discipline and focus that i just don't have right now. i have to focus on my new job which has a lot of fires that need putting out. . . and i can't forget my three children.

life is so incredibly hard most of the time. sure, the blessings in my life are abundant. i am grateful every day for God's mercy and love and grace. i don't know if i truly am my own worst enemy in creating more stress due to my own expectations. . . or if i am just unable to handle normal life stuff without losing it.

one thing i do know is that i use too many . . . (ellipses?)

back to my weight and health. i am running a 5K in approximately a month. i have been running with a trainer from work and she has really inspired me to get into this running thing. Running is terrible for the body: joints are put in danger, feet are challenged. Ultimately, though, running is something i have never conquered. right now i guess conquering a 5K might give me the focus i need to get the scale moving in the right direction.

i do get very snarky and mad at the fact that this weight thing is a constant battle of the mind for me. why it's that way for some people and not for others makes no sense to me. so many times i have foolishly thought that if i could just quit caring about my weight/health then my life would be great. i know that is so foolish, but it's tempting to just give up and focus on the 100+ other more pressing issues in my life.

alas, i am a prisoner to it still.