Vocabulary limited - thoughts revealed

So Baby Birdie is enjoying using her rapidly expanding vocabulary. Some of her words include ball, bath, baby, night-night, drink, breck-breck (our household word for breakfast), Ubba (brother), Ully (word for her sister's name), Papa, Nannie, Nana, Dad, Daddy, Mommy, Momma. . . car, ride, outside, TV (this is a new one I first heard this evening while trying to extend the day to a reasonable bedtime using some Little Einsteins - she missed most of her nap today and was wiped out after dinner).

It is amazing to me that although her vocabulary is very limited, her thoughts are clearly expressed. I almost always know what it is she is trying to say. While reading a book with a few of these words in it, she was frustrated with me because she was saying "bath" and I kept saying, "yes, ball" but we were looking at the picture of the baby wrapped in a towel after a bath. In my defense, I couldn't actually see the picture because she had the book clutched to her chest. She continued saying "baghhh" until I responded with the correct, "yes, baby took a bath."

My prayer life has been a struggle for me over the past year. With the circumstances of our lives it began to feel like a beg-session. I always enjoy praying for others and often find myself doing that most of all, but I believe that God wants to hear from me. I have always prayed in my normal mode of communication - wordy, passionate, probably a little exhausting to listen to. Reading with birdie tonight reminded me that although at times my words are few - He knows my every thought and request. He just longs to hear it, even when I can't get it out eloquently or completely.

Due to some anxiety issues, I have discovered the usefulness of meditation. I have experimented with several different methods, but what I find most helpful is to just mindfully breathe focusing on the rise and fall of the chest or the air going in and out of the nose. Thoughts do come and go, but I try to let them be as fleeting as possible by consistently focusing on the breathing. I guess I used to think that meditation was new age-y and therefore not for me as a Christian, but I have found lately that after a good few minutes of breathing - I am much more equipped to pray in a focused and intentional way.

All this comes back to how very much my children teach me each and every day. God is active in their lives as they minister to me when I need it the most. We are still climbing out of the pit, but we are finding it easier every day to praise God for these trials, to look at each other with confidence and smile, to rest in the joy of being the lucky parents of three extraordinary children. These are good times.

Random notes to my future self.

If you are reading this, just ignore. this is just my own preservation of sorts. . . preservation of a day of thought, prayer, revelation, guilt. . . being alone with my thoughts i get swallowed up by them. . . and i want to remember this day.



Nobody knows it but I am so sad. . . and that is the saddest of all, my girl, that is the saddest of all.

By our own reason and strength we cannot believe in Jesus Christ, our Lord, or come to Him, but Thou dost call us and enlighten us through Thy grace. (gee, wish I had heard this a lot sooner). -from the Liturgy of Adoration, Moravian Hymnal

I have gained 35 pounds in one year. Lovely.

I am tired of living life waiting to figure out what life is all about. I just want to live.

I have struggled a lot with what God wants from me, who God is. . . I have figured out that all He wants is for me to be His.

I have become burdened to figure out how to truly love and serve those around me. I am too self-absorbed. He didn't create me to lay/lie on a sofa.

Disappear from your hometown
Go and find the people that you know
Show them all the good parts
Leave town when the bad ones start to show (uh oh - is this me???)

The more we analyze our lives the more life sucks us down. Philosophy has no place in this fast-paced life. . . Thinking is not for me anymore. I want wind, waves, light, fresh peaches, kisses, hugs, smiles, and joy. I want to serve.



and. . . the sky trades the moon for the sun, my girl. . . the sky trades the moon for the sun.

here we go. . .

The way we were. . .

I wonder if I will always have this feeling of wishing we could turn back the clock. I find myself wishing for the time BEFORE J quit his job – when things were tight financially but not in crisis mode as they are now.

I wish often for the time BEFORE our flower’s kidney disease diagnosis this past November. The time was so easy when we thought those doctors had been wrong when I was pregnant.

I wish for the time when I was a stay-at-home mom, when I cooked delicious homemade meals, took care of my son’s homework, when my biggest complaint was being frazzled at the end of the day.

I even dare to wish that I could go back to 2004 and shake myself when I convinced J that we needed to buy the house. I would tell myself what it means to have that much money in a savings account, and I would convince myself to be wiser.

Today during a talent show at school, a couple of teachers sang “The Way We Were.” I could barely make it to the end of the song before breaking down completely – I had to leave the show. I long in my soul for who we were, even just last summer before that fateful day in August when J. left his job.

I know things could be so much worse and we have plenty to be thankful for. I just don’t know who I am in this new set of circumstances. I started writing the “Drawing Near” series because I thought I be able to put my focus into a more intimate walk with the Lord during this valley. It seems that so far, I haven’t been able to do that. I am not sure what is keeping me from drawing near to Him – pride? feeling as if I deserve this? -- but I haven’t found a way to put Him in the forefront of my heart and mind.

So many things are distracting me: jobs, children, medical issues, the move, decisions about the immediate and distant future, wishing for a small vacation this summer. . . I sincerely need to get my focus back on the state of my heart. Pray for me if you read this blog.

Decide what to be and go be it

We are in the middle of a busy, busy time. We are slowly moving into our rental home, I am finishing up the school year, school is out for the older two kids. J. is looking for a job in our new town - he has a couple of promising interviews tomorrow and hopefully there will be a "next step" for him soon.

Last night, while we relaxed in our 10x10 air-conditioned haven (we put a window unit in our guest bedroom because BOTH of our HVAC units died recently - perfect time for a move) we talked for a while about what we each want out of this next phase in life.

Our next phase is framed by trying to recover financially from about five+ years of bad decisions AND from the past year of living on one real salary. It includes a goal of getting our family of five back into a happy place - that will require deepening our transition to a two-parent working family. It includes investing in home again now that we have a place to call home.

I asked him what he wanted to come out of this transition. He wants to teach. We are working towards getting that to be a reality. What that means for me is that I also will teach. We are not in a place right now to even attempt living on one teacher's salary. My dreams of possibly working part-time and maybe even homeschooling pretty much have to be back-burnered.

We have a lot of other decisions to make about where the children will spend their days over the next year. I am trying to figure out how to make God the God of all these details. I am trying to figure out how to mesh all the things I believe so strongly about family relationships, about education, about child-rearing, about my role in our family. . . I have no idea how those values will be compromised and stretched to work together.

I am trying to remain optimistic and believe that instead of "what if" this is a "what will He do" kind of a dilemma. Praying hard that answers come soon. . . looking forward to a new chapter.

Series: Drawing Near (part 4)

Sometimes in the pit there are no words to express the emotions and thoughts swirling in my head. So - the inspiration hymn for the title of this series is all I have to share right now.



I am Thine, O Lord, I have heard Thy voice,
And it told Thy love to me;
But I long to rise in the arms of faith
And be closer drawn to Thee.

* Refrain:
Draw me nearer, nearer blessed Lord,
To the cross where Thou hast died;
Draw me nearer, nearer, nearer blessed Lord,
To Thy precious, bleeding side.

Consecrate me now to Thy service, Lord,
By the pow’r of grace divine;
Let my soul look up with a steadfast hope,
And my will be lost in Thine.

Oh, the pure delight of a single hour
That before Thy throne I spend,
When I kneel in prayer, and with Thee, my God
I commune as friend with friend!

There are depths of love that I cannot know
Till I cross the narrow sea;
There are heights of joy that I may not reach
Till I rest in peace with Thee.
-Written by Frances J. Crosby

Now I know why. . .

So after spending the last couple of hours filling out paperwork and gathering documentation for a pre-foreclosure sale of our home, I now understand why folks just walk away and let their homes be foreclosed. I have a college degree in mathematics and the paperwork, budget sheets, and documentation required were challenging for me. It doesn't help that I am completing this at the 11th hour before the deadline set by the bank for the application to be reviewed.

We are trying to go about this process by owning up to our mistakes, humbly accepting the consequences, and looking out for everyone's (including the bank's) best interest. We have a committed real estate agent who has worked so hard to try to sell our home. No one wants our home - the market is too saturated and honestly there are things about our home that I would change, so I understand the reluctance on the part of buyers to commit.

The reason we are applying for a pre-foreclosure sale is that it is a bit better for the bank because the property doesn't sit vacant during the foreclosure process, a pre-foreclosure sale usually brings a higher return thanks to that fact, and the bank's (and our) hands are washed of the property sooner.

We desperately want this to be over and in the past. However, the process has definitely dragged on such that I can totally see a need for some kind of support for people in this situation. You will hear people mention the FCCS (Family Credit Counseling Services) as a support organization. We called them to get some advice on our dilemma and they called us back 6 weeks later, with an appointment available about 4 weeks beyond the phone call. Gee, thanks for your help and support!

Laying your head down on a pillow under a ceiling that you are no longer paying for leaves you feeling irresponsible, trapped, and definitely destroys the sense of peace a home should provide. The housing crisis in America is far from over, and good people are affected. We are not victims of a bubble market - instead we have made bad choices and are paying for them. That doesn't mean we don't deserve efficient and due processes to move on forward. Something needs to be done. . . wheels are spinning in my head because I can't stand to see a problem go unsolved.

We'll see how our pre-foreclosure sale application goes. I suspect we'll get told that something wasn't included (even though I have quadruple-checked our pile) or some other excuse will cause it to get stuck in the mud. As for us, we are moving soon into a nice rental house and at least the "home" concept can again be a part of our lives.

If anybody asks you where you're coming from. . . say love

First of all, we had an excellent dessert tonight that was very easy. My sister bought the groceries (she came with my mom to keep the girls today) and gave me the rundown on how to fix it. It was simple. She gives credit to Sandra Lee of "Semi-Homemade" fame. . .

You take a tortilla or wrap and spread marshmallow creme on it. slice up a few banana pieces, sprinkle with graham cracker crumbs and chocolate chips. Bake until warmed through and crispy on the outside. Drizzle with store-bought caramel sauce. This was really good - perfect for one of those nights when you are hankering for a dessert but lacking ingredients, time, or the motivation to make and clean up a baking mess!

Tonight, the boy and I were doing our nightly story time. We are reading A Child's History of the World for the third time now. He loves it and is fascinated by the simple stories of history. I have learned a lot, I have to say. This book is high on my recommendation list for sure!

There are days when I am just winded by the waves of life. Somehow, my kids and the wonder they have at their life in front of them (and their appreciation for what is behind them) usually manage to pull me out of the doldrums and back to a place of peace and joy. This too shall pass - ever so quickly. Quick passage of time is good when we are facing unknowns or dire circumstances - but when we have children we must take time to appreciate them in the now.

Series: Drawing Near (part 4)

This might be a 1002 part series. It feels like the past nine months have lasted an eternity. . . so I guess it is fitting that the blog series would be equally as drawn-out. If you missed the first three installments, they are here, here, and here.

I left off with Flower's medical diagnosis. If you want to read about that time, I posted to my old blog (which I have uploaded to this one) and the story can be found here.

A chronic medical condition means that we need good medical benefits. I ended up getting another job within my same school system, making me a full-time employee. I started this on December 1, and our state medical benefits kicked in on January 1. In the moment, working full-time felt like our only option. She needs good insurance - we need to plan for the future and a possible kidney transplant. My degree and experience makes me more easily hired, so I jumped in with both feet. Within three months I had gone from a stay-at-home mom who volunteered at my son's school, went to the gym, participated in mom's Bible studies in the middle of the weekday morning, and kept a neat house to a full-time working mom.

I think the busyness and emotions of the time helped ease the transition. Now looking back, the emotions flood me and at times I feel like I am literally drowning. There is a depression that has set in about working full-time. I have a baby that I literally see a couple of hours A DAY during the week. I have a son who used to turn around and blow me a kiss as he walked into school - now someone else drops him off most days. My 4-year-old daughter longs for me so much so that she can't sleep at night because she's waiting for me to go to bed, hoping that she can climb in and "snuggle against" my back.

This is a hard post to write. We made terrible financial decision over the past six years. Six years ago, our financial situation was STELLAR. We sold our house and made a lot of money on the sale. We used that money to pay off cards and cars. Oh my, how many times have I wished that I could go back to that summer and smack some sense into myself? That fall we purchased a home with an interest-only loan. Just typing that makes me want to throw up a bit. How could we be so stupid?

That loan and its ramifications have brought us to this place - no savings left, retirement accounts tapped, a house headed into foreclosure, and barely making it despite both of us working. I think honesty and transparency are important here because our situation is an opportunity. We are being given the opportunity not only to grow individually through this trial, but to share what we learn with others in hopes of encouraging folks in a similar place (or even keeping someone from getting here in the first place).

So many times we talk to each other in our generation with a veil over our words. I'm not saying that everyone should wear their family balance sheets on their t-shirts or anything like that, but if we truly live to glorify God with our lives - why is our financial state something to affect our personal pride? Either we are secretly thankful to NOT be facing foreclosure, to NOT have to coupon in order to feed our family, to NOT owe money on cars. . . or we are secretly ashamed to be doing those very things.

As Christians, we need to be willing to serve God in the pit. Though it feels at times like I have NOTHING to give anyone (and literally nothing) it's not about the when, the how, the what of service. . . it's about the WHY. We are to serve because we are commanded to love and serve. Being in the pit has taught me a lot about humility, grace, mercy that I never would have learned. I do not speak this message from the other side of the pit either. I am still down here, scraping my way up the sides hoping to escape.

I love this line from my favorite musicians The The Avett Brothers: "I want to have pride, like my momma had. . . and not like the kind in the Bible that turns you bad."

I am sharing this - exposing myself to all kinds of potential humiliation - because I want to document this pit for myself and my family. I want to look back at this post and know more of the WHY than I know now. Let me tell you - being in a pit like this leaves you no choice but to look up. I am looking up and praying for Him to draw nearer to me in this time and show me the way.

As long as there's a road, my feet will never touch the ground. . .

Good morning! The posts about our family's journey over the past nine months are getting a little bit heavy, so today I thought I would just speak in Bird-ese.

"da da da"
"da ba di, da bi day, da ba di, da bi day"
"ts, ts, ts, ts, ts, ts, ts, ts"
"all duh" (all done)
"dowwwwwwwwwn" (get down)
"di dah dah, di dah dah, di dah dah"

I will miss this babbling stage. She reminds me of Boo from Monsters, Inc. All she needs are pigtails.

Flower girl and Boy are just trucking along, growing up. Boy is obsessed with his chapter books, currently reading a Boxcar Children book. He is looking forward to starting A Cricket in Times Square which I found in the trash at one of my schools. Flower is wishing she could start kindergarten this year, but due to her October birthday she is waiting one more year. She loves to watch movies, eat popcorn, draw hilarious pictures, and generally just be with mom.

I am blessed with three great children. Today we are excited for the annual golf tournament to support Boy's school. We have family in town to play in the tourney and Boy is helping with the registration this morning. Flower's clubs are sitting out in the hallway ready to go later on and hit some balls.

Looking forward to a great weekend. . .

Series: Drawing Near (part 3)

If you missed the first two parts of the series, you can find them here and here.

So my husband’s seminary was within a one-hour drive from my parents’ second home, which is vacant except for when we are all there vacationing. They graciously offered to let us live there while he did seminary, and we both felt this was a good option. The problem is that the house is in a very rural area, so there aren’t many job options. Despite a thorough search, we came up empty with a way to supplement his small GI bill housing allowance in order to support our family.

The night before we were supposed to move in to the house, I freaked out (literally). I just had an overwhelming sense that we were NOT making a wise decision to uproot our family to move to a place where we had no way to pay our bills. Our house here had been on the market only a few days, so we were still planning to pay all the bills associated with this home while living somewhere else.

We decided not to move. One big factor, other than finances, was the school we helped to start. I had played a big role in the school during its first year, and I strongly desired to see through helping the school get on its feet instructionally. My husband decided to commute 3 hours to seminary twice a week in order to still receive the housing allowance, and we began searching for jobs in this town.

I really did not want to work. Prior to all these changes, I was finally finding a rhythm with caring for myself, caring for the children, still having time to help with the school, and generally having a good balance in my life. I knew that my desire was to be primarily at home, however a large mortgage was staring us in the face. My thought was that I needed to support hubby’s dream by working so he could concentrate on school.

I quickly found a good job in a school part-time working as a curriculum coach. It was everything I loved about teaching with none of the stuff I didn’t enjoy. Perfect fit! I began in October working 20 hours a week on top of a job working at Flower’s preschool three mornings a week. One of my friends agreed to keep Bird on the days when J. was gone to school.

Everything seemed to be working out just fine. The schedule was very busy, but I got to see Flower on the playground and working the two jobs gave me a lot of variety. In November, though, everything changed at the kids’ yearly checkup appointment. I knew then that God had so much more in store for us in this difficult year than I ever imagined. . .

Series: Drawing Near (part 2)

Part 1 of the series is found here.

I thought for this series it would be best to break apart the events that have happened in our lives in order to better understand where we are headed. I want to start with last June (2009) because that is really where it all began to unravel.

My husband and I were blessed to be able to go to a big city with good friends to attend the annual conference for the association of schools to which Boy's school belongs. Actually - Boy's school is dear to us because we worked along with our best friends to start the school. I was researching homeschooling (because we just knew that we would not choose public education for our children) and our friends asked us to invest our time and energy in a new school that met the criteria we were all looking for. We worked together for around 18 months and opened our doors in 2008, just in time for Boy to start kindergarten.

I have known my husband for over half our lives. I have always thought he was well-suited for a career as a teacher. He loves learning, and he is passionate about passing along enthusiasm about history and literature to the next generation. At the conference, he finally gave in to what I have always known: he needed to be teaching in a school where great books were taught from a biblical worldview.

We came home and had many discussions about how to make this transition. He was working at the time in a nuclear power plant, but he wasn't happy at all with that career. He served in the military and had GI money available to use to pay for seminary. He applied and was accepted to begin in the fall - everything was falling into place.

In August, his lack of enthusiasm at his job in nuclear power resulted in consequences. He heard through the grapevine that he was strongly being considered for a lay-off. Since his heart was no longer in the job, he resigned. At the time he thought we could survive on GI money (including a housing allowance) and a couple of part-time jobs. It would require us to move into a home owned by my parents which is near the seminary, and that would require us to sell our home here.

I don't want this post to get too lengthy. Trust me when I say that even with the details I have shared so far - the story was much more involved than words can describe. There were many conversations, prayers, and interventions from our parents before he resigned his job. We honestly thought that God had called him to this new career, and that God would provide for our family in order to make it happen. We felt exuberant to be following what we believed was God's will for our life.

Enter reality: the house didn't sell, he couldn't find part-time jobs anywhere near his seminary, the government was behind on GI bill payouts so the housing money we were depending on didn't come (it finally came in January - 5 months after he began school). We were seeing doors slammed in our faces everywhere we turned. Needless to say I began to question whether or not this really was God's will or if we were just foolish like our parents had been saying.

Next post I will tell you what we had to do to keep our family afloat. And I'll tell you how it fits in with where God is now leading us.

Protein Shake

So this morning I had a protein shake for breakfast. Besides the fact that it made me 30 minutes late for work, hit my gag reflex several times, spilled a bit in the car, caused a big mess with the food processor that will be waiting for me later on. . . it wasn't too bad. Here's the recipe:

2 scoops vanilla protein powder (I used a mix of soy and whey)
6 oz. water
handful ice
1/2 cup frozen cherries
1/2 banana
1 tablespoon flax oil
2 tablespoons flaxseed meal
1 tablespoon almond butter

I got the recipe from the book The UltraSimple Diet: Kick-Start Your Metabolism and Safely Lose Up to 10 Pounds in 7 Days which is basically a seven-day detox that you do to jumpstart weight loss. I am not sure I will follow the detox exactly - my goal is really just to break my addictions to caffeine and sugar in order to stabilize my hunger patterns.

I am looking forward to making exercise a priority again as well. I am planning to start Couch-to-5K soon to build myself back up to the running I was doing last summer. The past nine months have been hard, but I have to stop beating myself up physically by not exercising and eating unhealthily. I believe in the link between nutrition and emotions and energy - despite my circumstances I can be healthy and happy!

Series: Drawing Near (part 1)

The past 9 months have been emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually draining for all five of us. A few of the things we have experienced include:

• a calling on my husband's life to seek a seminary degree
  
• a job change resulting in 1/3 of his previous income
  
• my return to a full-time job in education after staying home for seven years
  
• putting Flower and Bird in part-time childcare arrangement
  
• a scary medical diagnosis for Flower that will be with us forever
• beginning the journey towards foreclosure of the house we have owned for 6 years
• changing churches due to our desire to find something more grounded and less modern
• the ripping away from me of a ministry that I had given myself to for two years
• growing distance in our friendships due to our new busy schedule
• generally a chaotic home that isn't calm or peaceful as it should be

Through all of this mess we have been seeking God's will - or so we thought. I was struck by a verse in Zephaniah 3 this morning that says "She does not trust in the Lord, she does not draw near to her God." The she in this case is the city of Jerusalem, but the words just hit a chord in me. I have been realizing that though we have been claiming to be seeking God's will and direction, we have drifted further and further away from Him in the chaos.

I know now that the only way we as a family can begin to dig out of this pit is to draw near to the Lord, turn our attention back within our four walls, and heal our family with His grace, mercy, and power.

I will continue this series until I tell our entire story with the hope that it can be a blessing to anyone dealing with unmet expectations, dashed hope, or life's unknowns.

A boy, a flower, and a bird

I am a mom of three children who has been reading blogs faithfully for over 3 years. I tried blogging a couple of years ago and lost interest. Now I'm back determined to commit myself to writing more as a way to document our lives.

The title of my blog represents my three children. My son will be called "boy" and he is currently 7. Our oldest daughter will be called "flower" and she is currently 4. Our baby, a girl, will be called "bird" and she is almost 18 months old.

Their titles are plays on their names - I am not sure how open I want to be on this blog just yet, so I thought code names would be appropriate. I am also not sure what the theme of my blog might be.

Anyway - I'm back.