Happy Feet

So......I have "pigeon toes."  My feet have always kind of curved inward.  Running has further defined this natural shape of my feet - my pinky toes look like they are going to forever merge with my fourth toes.  When I was running 10+ miles per week this past spring,  I developed a little corn-like thing on the underside of my fourth toes where that pinky toe was rubbing against it.  Not fun.

This week I have taken back to the pavement.  I have two pairs of shoes:  my old sauconys that I trained in Jan-March.  Then I went to a specialty store, had them analyze my gait/feet and ended up with some $165 brooks shoes with inserts.  I over-pronate and my arch is somewhat flat.  I could never love the Brooks though for some reason.  So this time I have gone back to my sauconys although I did get a new pair in the same model.

I don't know if it is the shoes - maybe the sauconys don't offer enough support.  maybe it is because i took about three months off of running.  maybe it's because my feet are shaped all wonky.  but my biggest obstacle to getting back to running is my darn feet.  they burn.  my heels hurt, my ankles hurt.  I try to pay attention to my strike, to my posture, etc to see if I can adjust myself and make them not hurt. But they do.  Badly.

Tonight I ran 4 miles in about 52 minutes.  24 minutes of that were the walking breaks to ease the foot pain.  Cardiovascular-wise I could run faster and farther than I have been able to.  I don't have to stop and walk because I am out of breath or winded, but because it feels like I am running through burning coals.   I am hoping and praying that my feet get in the game.  I want to see more of this in the mirror:

In the dance studio waiting for the girls after my run.

Ankles

So today was my second "run" in three days after taking a LONG break (maybe 6-8 weeks since I ran). During that break I didn't do so well with food. I haven't weighed at home, but according to the scale at the dr. last week I am up about 20 pounds since early May.

Sigh.

 I am so tired of this battle. I completely understand how people get to be really overweight. It is a daily choice and when faced with life and job stress and depression and whiny kids and financial stress and a messy house and grocery shopping and sports practices and church and the list goes on and on...it's so easy to slip into bad habits. I am thankful that I am still about 20 pounds lighter than my highest-ever weight. I am thankful that I have renewed enthusiasm to pick up my weapon and fight again.

 Two observations about running:
 1) One of the reasons I quit running was the humidity. I live in the South and I found it super hard to run in the humidity. I am so thankful for a break from the heat and humidity. It's still hot, but the air isn't as thick.
 2) The hardest part about running for me after a hiatus or when upping the distance is the pain in my ankles. It doesn't feel like an injury, just soreness. I am used to soreness AFTER exercise, but this is pain during exercise. I remember this past Spring when I was really building my endurance how the pain in my legs slowly transitioned to this unbelievable feeling of strength while running. I cannot wait for that transition to happen again this time.

 Saturday I did 4-5 miles and probably ran about 1.5 - 2 miles of that. My overall pace was about at a 14.5 minutes/mile.

 Today I didn't have as much time and did about 2.5 miles. I think I ran about 1.5 of that for a pace of 14 minutes/mile. It already felt better!

 Once again I find myself thinking of goal-setting and digging in for the fight. I am going to try a different approach this time. I am still formulating my plan, but I hope it is one that can finally result in success and true change from the inside-out.

reminders

Today my son called me on the phone. First of all, I barely recognized his voice. Then he said, "Hi. How are you doing?" We had just seen each other, so I was a little confused by the formality of the conversation to this point. I was immediately struck, however, with the realization that no matter how long it's been since we've talked - my husband always starts a conversation this way. I am a rusher. I rush around, busy in my mind and on my feet, accomplishing things. Life. I mean, really, there is much to do and little time, people! We must rush and leave the niceties out lest they eat up more of our precious time! Thankfully, I caught myself before rushing him through the conversation. I was coaching flower's soccer game. Boy was with his granddad, for their ritual Saturday morning breakfast out. He wanted to know when I'd be getting to the house. I said soon. We pulled in right behind them. He gave me these:

He is just like his dad. And it was a good reminder of what kind of man I married. And my son makes my heart swell with pride.

Intuitive Eating

So about two days after my last pity post, I got in to a weight loss challenge at my work. I was the second alternate on my preferred trainer's team and I found out about an hour before the workout that I was in. We weigh in weekly and meet for a group training session that is usually some kind of circuit.

Since joining I have lost about 11-12 pounds I guess. I am almost at the weight I saw in July, 2009. . . my lowest weight since having my birdie. That weight and physical condition is what I have aspired to find again ever since life kind of hit a hailstorm shortly after that point.

Well, I am there. Inches-wise I am smaller. I have been doing 3 sets of push-ups and sit-ups (15 reps each) every.single.day since February 7. I have two lines going down the side of my abdomen. . . like. . . abs are really starting to define. It is so weird to look at pics of me last summer with a huge belly and to see myself now. I feel so much better and truly think I have finally made healthiness a habit.

The BEST outcome lately is that I think I have really learned intuitive eating. Yesterday we had our weekly workout. I have only lost 1.5 pounds in the last two weeks, so I was discouraged afterwards. I also have a weird pain in my shin that didn't help matters. I felt my body begging me to rest and eat. I have been eating 6 meals a day and really sticking to my calories, and I pretty much go to bed hungry at night. Last night, though, I just couldn't shake the hunger and the cravings. I went to the grocery store hungry and ended up eating SO MUCH. I ate a few chips, I ate a few peanut butter M&Ms, I ate a doughnut. The thing is. . . I was done after a much smaller "binge" than ever in the past. My body rejected the stress eating and my mind actually heard the message. This has never happened to me before.

I walked away from that eating frenzy feeling good rather than guilty. I listened to my body's hunger and fed it poorly. . . it told me so. This is a good thing. This is proof that healthiness can become a habit that sticks if we stick with it. Healthiness starts as the sum-total of hundreds of good choices we make over and over and over. Eventually, they become instinct as they were in the beginning.

frustration

i have a new full-time job that i love but that equals 50+ hours of work per week plus requires me to take a night class one night a week. i still have three children, and a husband with a new business that he is trying to grow. i still have a new-to-us house with a ton of renovation and freshening up that needs to be done.

where, oh where, do i fit in continuing on my healthiness journey in all of this chaos that is my life? i feel like i am on auto-pilot most of the time, and i am really fighting against my own body's rejection of the stress of the new job. i react physically to stress. that is a fact that i can now verify based on a mini-breakdown i had this past week. stress manifests in me physically and mentally.

i am so sick to death of fighting my weight. i am holding fairly steady with the losses i had last year. . . hovering around a number that i hate. i want to be 20-30 pounds lighter, but that requires such a discipline and focus that i just don't have right now. i have to focus on my new job which has a lot of fires that need putting out. . . and i can't forget my three children.

life is so incredibly hard most of the time. sure, the blessings in my life are abundant. i am grateful every day for God's mercy and love and grace. i don't know if i truly am my own worst enemy in creating more stress due to my own expectations. . . or if i am just unable to handle normal life stuff without losing it.

one thing i do know is that i use too many . . . (ellipses?)

back to my weight and health. i am running a 5K in approximately a month. i have been running with a trainer from work and she has really inspired me to get into this running thing. Running is terrible for the body: joints are put in danger, feet are challenged. Ultimately, though, running is something i have never conquered. right now i guess conquering a 5K might give me the focus i need to get the scale moving in the right direction.

i do get very snarky and mad at the fact that this weight thing is a constant battle of the mind for me. why it's that way for some people and not for others makes no sense to me. so many times i have foolishly thought that if i could just quit caring about my weight/health then my life would be great. i know that is so foolish, but it's tempting to just give up and focus on the 100+ other more pressing issues in my life.

alas, i am a prisoner to it still.

Struggling a bit. . .

I am struggling a bit. Food is much harder for me when working out isn't going well.

I did swim this morning and pushed myself hard (as hard as I could sharing a lane with a man who wasn't too into sharing a lane - thankful I didn't knock him out with my crazy butterfly or knock myself out with my drifting backstroke!) I plan on going to body pump tomorrow morning and just doing squats/lunges with no weights and see how the knee feels. If it twinges even a hint, I will just quit that track and do crunches until the next one. Bottom line is that my legs are super strong anyway (although I'd like to tone them up) but I need body pump for my chest, shoulder, back, arms. . . CORE. I am happy to have this plan going for this week - swim M/W/F, body pump T/Th plus another cardio on T/Th (probably elliptical).

I have dinner in the crockpot this afternoon since I have to tutor so score 1 for better eating. I made chili mac with lean ground beef and whole wheat elbows. It smells great.

I have another whole post to write about flower's 6th birthday, a visit we made last week to our old stomping grounds, and my search for my life's work. . . maybe that is actually 3 posts. . . but i have tutoring and laundry and math questions to write. . .

Knee

My knee is bothering me. I cannot define it any more specifically than that. My dr. says tendons and ligaments feel fine - so it's just inflammation in the cushioning surrounding the knee.

It hurts when I drive (it's my right knee).

I had visions of starting C25K but I obviously can't. My dr. says to do low-impact (for me, that is swimming) stuff for a while until it doesn't bother me anymore. I ice it when it does bother me (breaststroke kick actually bothers it a little).

I am trying REALLY hard not to let this derail me. I really am. I am just so competitive and to be sidelined when I had such a good momentum going is hard to deal with. I am not good when faced with challenges like this. I have a give-up reflex.

Add to this life-related stress like trying to decide whether to go to work full-time or stay on my self-employed path (which means I'll have to actually LAUNCH my business instead of just talking about it - eek) and I am just in a rut.